No marriage is perfect; it takes hard work and dedication from both spouses, but when one partner is trying to ruin the marriage, it can be a devastating and heartbreaking experience.
There is nothing new under the sun, and this is exactly the experience David had with his friend Ahithophel in Psalm 55.
12 If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it if a foe were rising against me, I could hide.
13 But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend.
14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God, as we walked about among the worshipers.
Psalm 55:12-14 NIV
Sure, here in this text David isn’t talking about his spouse, but the implications are the same.
Remember, this was David’s friend, a very close friend that he trusted and even had wonderful fellowship with in the house of God.
“The same way you are feeling about your spouse’s destructive behavior, even after all the love, commitment, fellowship, sacrifice, and devotion to them; the same way David felt about his friend Ahithophel who was quietly sabotaging their relationship.”
I can identify with David, but more importantly, I can identify with how you feel, right now.
I want to share something with you that is very sensitive and personal to me. I am married now for six years and let me tell you that both me and my spouse was figuratively trying to cut each other’s throats.
👉 Check out: What did Jesus say About Forgiveness?
From my side of the story, I felt that my spouse was trying with all might to permanently ruin our marriage.
“I was lost, confused, angry, and couldn’t understand or make any sense of what was going on in my marriage.”
I would ask myself questions like:
“Why would this person who I love and who is suppose to be my biggest supporter has suddenly become my biggest obstacle?”
It was like everytime Satan wanted to get at me, he would do it through my spouse, at least that’s what I thought.
Wait, before I go any further I hope my spouse isn’t reading this post, otherwise she would tell her side of the story differently from mind in the comments below. Nevertheless, the bottom line was that our marriage was in shambles.
Does this sounds like you?
Is this happening in your marriage right now?🤔
Do you feel as if you are between a rock and a hard place? With no where to turn, maybe you are slowly dying and even looking for a way out.
All is not lost; here is what God wants from you when your spouse is damaging your marriage.
First and foremost, it’s important to remember that God is in control and that He will bring deliverance, restoration and healing if you allow Him to work in your marriage.
But let me warn… you will have to make up your mind to fight for your spouse.
- You will have to trust God.
- You will have to pray, read the holy scriptures, give thanks, bless, and encourage your spouse even when they continue to destroy the marriage.
- When you feel like giving up, you will need to keep doing good to your spouse, not to curse and start saying hurtful things to them.
That’s what God wants from you when your spouse is wounding your marriage.
Furthermore, God does not want the suffering and constant bickering between you and your spouse to continue.
He wants you to experience joy, splendor and all the blessings that comes with Holy Matrimony.
What God Wants from You When Your Spouse Is Wounding Your Marriage?
When your spouse is damaging your marriage God wants your heart, he wants you to trust and commit your spouse to him.
He does not want you to look down at your partner and think and say hurtful things to them.
Instead, God wants you to love and seek his will for their lives.
Sure, it’s not going to be easy, but if you trust God; he will help and save your marriage.
That said, to win in this battle, you will need to possess something called “LOVE,” otherwise, this will not work for you.
You see, love doesn’t seek its own good, but rather the good of the other person, in this case your spouse.
When we possess love, we are equipped and ready to do battle for our spouse, and trust me, God will answer faster than we think, and in your case, he will strengthen you, convict your spouse, and help to bring restoration and healing to your marriage.
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Getting back to our story on my marriage
There were times in my marriage when I was so fed up, frustrated, and even gave up on my spouse and marriage.
The only thing I didn’t do was to physically leave the marriage ( though I was making plans to do so).
I had assumed that with time my marriage would have gotten better, but “OH Boy,” I was so wrong, I was in for a rude, very rude awakening, my marriage had gotten bad.
I mean really bad, so bad that once I took off my wedding ring and threw it on the ground before my spouse to prove to her that I don’t need to stay in the marriage and I would be perfectly fine and happy without her company.
Think that was bad? Well, I was just getting started.
At times I would tell my spouse hurtful things, and I mean very harmful things to intentionally hurt her feelings because I was very angry, hurt and devastated by her behaviors.
Did I stopped? No, I continued. On numerous occasions I brought up my spouse’s pass to hurt her even more.
Similarly, it wasn’t like my spouse was holding her peace, she was giving it back, more than I could handle. She said things that wounded my soul and pierced my heart💘.
At times I felt like I was losing my mind, as though my head was going to explode. I felt disrespected and unappreciated that all I wanted to do was to pack up and run as fast and far as I can without she knowing where I was going.
To make matters worse there was little to no intimacy in our marriage, I would go for months without touching my wife. Not that I didn’t wanted to touch her, but she behavior was such that I wasn’t allowed to. 🤧
Sex isn’t something that men wants, it’s something that they NEED. One of the worse things you can do to a man, a married man is to withhold sex from him.
With all that tension building up for months there was only one thing that was bound to happen… an explosion; which sure exploded.
Honestly, I was really hurt, and I didn’t do what I did with malicious intent, I was simply expressing my feelings and protesting how I felt about my spouse and our marriage. It was my only way of hitting back because I would never physically abuse my wife.
Sure, looking back now at what I did, it was so foolish of me, and maybe, I was moments away from altogether losing my spouse and marriage.
But you know what? God helped me, we found grace in God’s sight and he started to convict my heart and reminded me who I am, and the example that I am suppose to set before my spouse as the priest and head of my house.
As I began to summit my will to God and with his help, I quickly asked him and my spouse for forgiveness, I then had the courage to swallow my pride and ego.
Next, I begone to pray without ceasing for my spouse.
“But I soon found that the more I prayed, the more bad things became. Things took a turn for the worse, it was getting from bad, to worse, to worst-case scenario (and this is not a Cliché, it was real).”
What next? What did I do? Keep scrolling to find out.
Well, you guessed it right, I gave up and surrendered again, and need less to say; I started to argue with my spouse.
Of course, my vindictive actions didn’t helped the situation, but made it worst.
But what was I supposed to do? I was trying my best to make the marriage work but my spouse was trying her very best to ruin the marriage
At that point my marriage was tumbling down a very greasy path of no return.
But somehow, God stepped in, illumination came, and eventually, after many “faults start” I finally began to understand the will of God for my marriage and that it was the devil who was trying to destroy it and not my spouse.
Infact, both me and my spouse were simply victims of satan’s attacks.
And I need not say; God came through for us, that was four to five years ago, and since that time God has blessed and increased us in so many ways that I cannot even begin to number or start telling you.
Maybe your spouse isn’t wounding your marriage in the exact ways I believed my spouse was wounding mine. Perhaps, your spouse is cheating, physically abusive, lying, cussing, neglecting their kids, neglecting you, spending lest time at home together, or involve in other impure and ungodly practices.
Nevertheless, from experience in my marriage and the written words of God, I will share with you a few great points that can hopefully help you to see from God’s perspective when your spouse is wounding your marriage:
👉 A Must Read: What does the bible say about Trust in Marriage?
Nine Things God Wants from You When Your Spouse Is Wounding Your Marriage
1. God wants your heart.
“Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.” (Genesis 22:12 KJV)
I am sure that at some point in your faith walk you came across the story of Abraham and Isaac, and how God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son Isaac.
It would have been way easier for Abraham to die and let Isaac live.
But Abraham didn’t questioned or challenged God’s instructions, he did exactly as God told him.
At the end, the story ended in great joy for both Abraham and his son Isaac.
God was not after a sacrifice in the form of Isaac in the first place, He never wanted Isaac, what he was after was Abraham’s heart.
In other words, God was asking, “Abraham, do you love me, do I have your heart?
Do you trust me? Even when faced with hard situations, will you follow through with what I say instead of yielding to your feelings or fears?
Abraham passed the test with flying colors and likewise you too can pass this test with flying colors.
God is after you, he wants you to draw closer to him, he wants your attention so that he can reveal more of himself to you.
Abraham so much trusted God that he believed that even after he would have sacrificed Isaac, that God would have raised Isaac from the dead.
“He (Abraham) considered that God was able even to raise him (Isaac) from the dead, from which, figuratively speaking, he did receive him back.” (Hebrews 11:19 ESV)
To experience victory in your marriage, you need to embrace the mindset of Abraham.
You need to commit your spouse, marriage, family, and any other situation causing you pain to God and trust that he is able to resurrect any death situation in your life.
2. God wants you to love your spouse.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25).
Sure, the text is explicitly speaking to husbands, but make no mistake, love is a language that every child of God must speak, whether wives or husbands, you must love.
3. God wants you to bless your spouse.
“Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.” (James 2:10 NIV)
One of the easiest thing to do when you are hurt by your spouse is to lash out and say hurtful words to them.
But as I found out, it isn’t the will of God for your marriage and it sure doesn’t help.
The only thing that arguing with your spouse will achieve is to open the door even wider for the devil to rush in and permanently crush your marriage.
4. God wants you to pray for your spouse.
“And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before.” (Job 42:10 KJV)
You must never stop praying for your spouse because that’s exactly what satan wants.
As painful as it may seem, pray for your spouse even when it seemed like you have ran out of words to pray; just keep praying, or even groan before God, he will help you and your spouse as we see in the case with Job and his friends.
Job prayed for his friends and God in response to his prayer turned his captivity and blessed him with double for his troubles.
Have you noticed that only when Job prayed for his friends who told him hurtful that God restored him?
The same holds true for you and your spouse, when you begin to pray and bless your spouse the Lord will come through for you and your marriage.
Trust God to deliver your spouse, flourish your family, and restore all that satan has stolen.
5. God wants you to keep your focus on Him.
“Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2 NKJV)
Keep your eyes on God and be mindful of the way you’re treating your spouse, even if they are wounding the marriage.
He will use this difficult situation to further your relationship with Him and to strengthen your faith.
6. God wants you to bear your spouse’s burden.
“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2) KJV)
7. God wants you to forgive your spouse.
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13 NKJV)
God wants you to recognize when you need to forgive and to be forgiving.
The wounds caused by a spouse can be deep and forgiveness can be difficult, but God wants you to strive daily to forgive and allow Him to do the healing.
8. God wants you to remember that He is the restorer and the healer.
“And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.” (Joel 2: 25-26)
We all make mistakes, but through forgiveness and repentance, God can do a mighty work.
God can help you to rebuild your relationship and bring beauty to the ashes.
9. God wants you to be patient and to trust in Him and His promises.
“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31).
God knows the path He’s calling you to take and He wants you to be faithful as He works all things for your good and for His glory.
Top 10 Bible Verses For Marriage and Restoration
Here are ten Bible verses that are often cited in the context of marriage restoration:
1. Ephesians 4:32 – “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
2. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
3. Matthew 19:6 – “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
4. Malachi 2:16 – “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”
5. 1 Peter 3:7 – “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
6. Colossians 3:13 – “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
7. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 – “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
8. Proverbs 18:22 – “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”
9. Proverbs 10:12 – “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.”
10. Mark 10:9 – “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
These verses emphasize the importance of love, forgiveness, unity, and commitment in marriage, and can serve as a source of guidance and encouragement for those seeking restoration in their marital relationship.
Maintaining Faith, Hope & Love
God wants you to have faith, hope and love in spite of the pain your spouse is causing.
He knows it’s hard but He desires that you maintain a spirit of faith in all circumstances.
Even if your spouse isn’t faithful to you, you can be faithful to God and trust Him to restore your marriage over time.
He desires that you don’t give in to despair and discouragement.
He wants you to keep believing and to have faith despite the circumstances.
As I have said before, God wants you to love your spouse, even when you feel hurt and rejected.
It may be hard to fathom but He desires that you strive to show unconditional love.
Through your patience, kindness and mercy, God will work miracles in your marriage.
Recognizing & Changing Unwholesome Behaviour
God wants you to be aware of your own behaviour and to make the necessary changes to become a better wife or husband.
When you focus on doing the right things, God will work to make a way where there doesn’t seem to be one.
He will help you to be a better spouse, and a better partner.
God wants you to be resolute in your decisions and to stick by them; even in the face of great opposition.
He also wants you to be humble and ask for help where needed. God’s grace and favour will be available to you – don’t hesitate to ask for it.
God wants you to be respectful, even if your spouse is not.
He desires that you acknowledge their good qualities even as you would note their bad qualities.
Demonstrate respect for your spouse and God will use that as a testimony to restore what has been lost in your marriage.
God wants you to remember that you can’t change your spouse, only yourself.
So, take time out to pray and focus on changing your own behaviour and attitude.
Don’t make excuses for bad behaviour; instead, strive to emulate God’s love and grace.
God wants you to guard your heart and recognise when something isn’t right.
He wants to have a personal relationship with you and He will help you to discern when it’s time to go on a retreat and unwind in his presence alone.
Exercising Self Care
God wants you to take care of yourself in every way.
He wants you to get enough rest, eat nutritious food, and ensure that you’re not overworking yourself.
Sometimes, it can be hard to look after yourself when you’re married, but God knows that self-care is vital and He wants you to make it a priority.
God also wants you to love yourself the way He loves you.
He desires that you treat yourself with grace, kindness, and mercy.
Instead of feeling like a victim, God wants you to stand up for yourself and to believe in your worth and dignity.
God wants you to make time for activities and pursuits that you enjoy.
Pursue hobbies and activities that make you feel good.
Take up a new sport, explore art galleries, or take a class – treat yourself to something that will make your heart sing.
God wants you to surround yourself with positive people who are committed to growth and transformation.
Find people who will support you, love you, and spur you onto the things that God has promised and destined for you.
God also wants you to know your worth and set boundaries to guard against temptations of immorality.
Learning Godly Ways of Interacting
God wants you to interact with your spouse in a healthy way and to practise grace at all times.
He wants you to talk about issues in a way that honours Him and respects the relationship.
Don’t let the wounds of your spouse control the way you communicate and interact.
God wants you to be a peacemaker and to use gentle, kind words to your spouse.
He desires that you learn how to listen as well as talk every time you communicate.
Listen to understand and strive to be understanding and compassionate with your spouse.
God wants you to remember that a gentle answer turns away anger and that a harsh word stirs up wrath.
Even if your spouse has wronged you, speak slow and be mindful of the way your words are received.
Speak gently and God will use your words to restore the relationship.
God also wants you to be patient with your spouse, as you both seek to discern God’s will.
Don’t be easily provoked and don’t react in a way that would make matters worse.
Exercise patience and kindness, and God will help you to come up with a godly way to move forward.
And don’t forget, God wants you to always practice forgiveness and to be forgiving of your spouse.
Even if you don’t see any signs of repentance or healing, God wants you to forgive and move on.
When you practice forgiveness, God will release His grace and healing into your marriage.
Trusting and Obeying God
God wants you to trust in Him and His promises no matter what.
He desires that you keep your heart and mind focused on Him and the promises He has made.
Trusting in God will help you to find the strength and courage to keep fighting for your marriage.
God also wants you to obey Him and to honour Him with your life.
He doesn’t want your marriage to become a battleground.
Follow His ways and commands and be obedient to His Word and He will work wonders in your marriage.
God wants you to remember that He will never fail you and that He will always be there for you.
Lean on Him and talk to Him. He will listen to your problems and give you guidance and direction.
God wants you to go in obedience and do what He says. Follow His leading and believe in His faithfulness.
Don’t be afraid – have faith in the promises He has made and keep your eyes set on Him.
God also wants you to remember that He is the author and the finisher of your faith.
He is in control and He will write your story if you let Him.
You don’t have to worry or be anxious; God is with you and He desires to bring healing and restoration to your marriage.
Here is a brief recap of what we discussed in this article:
God wants your marriage to succeed an last, He does not want the pain, suffering and frustration to continue in your marriage.
He wants you to call on Him for help, seek guidance, and begin to make strides in the right direction so that you can enjoy the blessings of holy matrimony.
Right now your marriage is not where you want it to be and surely, God doesn’t want you to continue blindly in the marriage.
He wants you to be wise and discerning. He wants you to become more aware of satan’s devices and evil schemes against your spouse and marriage.
Isn’t this good news? Even God himself will help you to recognize patterns of behavior that are unhealthy and not conducive for a healthy marriage so that you may take the necessary steps to address those issues quickly.
Moreover, God wants you to keep your focus on Him and to be mindful of the way you’re treating your spouse, even if they are working against the marriage.
He will use this difficult situation to further your relationship with Him and to strengthen your faith, so stay with the process.
Furthermore, God wants you to recognize when you need to forgive and to be forgiving.
The wounds caused by a spouse can be deep and forgiveness can be difficult, but God wants you to strive daily to forgive and allow Him to do the healing.
God wants you to remember that He is the restorer and the healer.
We all make mistakes, but through forgiveness and repentance, God can do a mighty work.
He will help you to rebuild your relationship and bring beauty to the ashes.
And finally, God wants you to be patient and to trust in Him and His promises.
He knows the path He’s calling you to take and He wants you to be faithful as He works all things for your good and for His glory.
Frequently Asked Questions: (FAQ)
1. Does God want me to stay in an unhealthy marriage?
God desires healthy and loving relationships for His children, including marriage.
However, He also values our well-being and safety. While marriage is meant to be a lifelong commitment, there may be circumstances where staying in an unhealthy marriage may not be our best interest.
Seek guidance from God through prayer and wise counsel (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 15:22) to discern the appropriate course of action.
2. Does God want me to let go of my marriage?
God understands the complexities of relationships and recognizes that sometimes marriages become irreparable.
Divorce was not part of His original plan, but due to the brokenness in our world, it is allowed under certain circumstances, such as ongoing infidelity or abandonment (Matthew 19:9, 1 Corinthians 7:15).
Prayerfully consider seeking reconciliation, but if all efforts fail, God does not desire you to suffer indefinitely in an irreparably broken marriage.
3. What does the Bible say about giving up on your spouse?
The Bible encourages perseverance and forgiveness in relationships, including marriage.
Jesus taught that divorce should only occur in cases of sexual immorality (Matthew 19:9 Kjv), and the apostle Paul emphasized the importance of staying committed to one’s spouse (1 Corinthians 7:10-11).
However, this does not mean you must endure ongoing abuse, neglect, or endangerment.
Seek guidance from the Holy Spirit, as each situation is unique, and discernment is necessary.
4. What does God say about a toxic marriage?
God condemns any form of abuse or mistreatment within a marriage. He values the sanctity of marriage and desires love, respect, and mutual support between spouses.
If you find yourself in a toxic marriage characterized by physical, emotional, or psychological harm, it is important to prioritize your safety and seek professional help.
Remember, God loves you and wants you to experience His peace and abundant life.